Read 'Query letter critique' at http://www.SellingYourScreenplay.com.

A reader asked me to give him my opinion about his query letter and he agreed to let me share his letter and my thoughts as a blog post. Hopefully people can learn something from it.

1 January 2010
Production Company Name
123 First Street
North Hollywood, CA 91007

Dear Director of Development;

I have a screenplay that I would like to submit to you for your consideration.

Told through the eyes of a forbearing yet naïve young man, this film follows a young man working to overcome his foibles while struggling to keep the family farm afloat in the wake of his father’s passing. It shows what a farmer will do to live on and work the life-sustaining ground he loves, even if it means drinking cheap beer, swing-dancing with the hired man, or having a bar bathroom brawl with his conniving banker (see full synopsis attached).

This film is loosely based on events I experienced firsthand.

Thank you for your time and consideration. If you would like a complete copy of the script, you may contact me at any of the addresses listed below.

Screenwriter’s Name
Screenwriter’s Phone Number
Screenwriter’s Email Address

A lot is going to depend on his synopsis but overall I like the query letter. It’s quick and too the point and doesn’t waste any time. Since this screenwriter doesn’t have any credits he simply cuts to the chase and pithes his story.

If I were going to re-write this query letter I would add a few more details. For instance, instead of just saying “This film is loosely based on events I experienced firsthand.” I would say something like “This film is loosely based on events I experienced firsthand while growing up and working on a real honest to goodness Iowa corn farm.” And instead of this: “I have a screenplay that I would like to submit to you for your consideration.” I would write something like this; “I wish to submit Script Title, a farm-centric, comedy feature film screenplay to you for your consideration.” Hopefully the title is pithy and cleaver and add something to the pitch.

My main point is to try and put in some visual details so people can “feel” your letter a little more. I think adding a little more color to every sentence (but don’t over do it!) could enhance the letter. But overall I really like the brevity of this query.

Read 'Screenplay Synopsis Critique: The Question' at http://www.SellingYourScreenplay.com.

Someone recently sent me this pitch for review:

Title: The Question

Logline: Random daily encounters lead a brilliant thirty-something to a different
perception of his body.

Synopsis:
What would you do if tomorrow you discovered that there is nothing in your head? If you could no longer put a sandwich in your mouth nor drink a glass of water? If your heart stopped beating? If you found that you are unable to die but all the people that you speak with won’t find anything out of the ordinary
in what is happening to you?

Matrix has shown us what can hide behind the word “reality”. The evolution of a certain idea can put the spotlight on the protagonist that gives meaning to our “reality”. We need only ask the following question: “why is our brain the most complex organ in the universe?”

To be honest I do not have a background very different to many of the others who send you their screenplay. I love to ask myself questions and, like in my story, I have tried to give a simple answer in an amusing and enjoyable way.

Well… it seems interesting but I don’t see a clear story line with a protagonist and a real thrust to an ending.

Your synopsis is very abstract and it needs to be concrete.  For instance in your logline, I’m not sure what “a different perception of his body” means.  We need to know who the protagonist is, who the antagonist is, what the central conflict is, and at least some idea about the resolution. A story, and especially a film, is about a journey with a beginning, middle, and ending. Those things aren’t clear in either your synopsis or your logline.  But it should be clear in both.

I wouldn’t say this: “To be honest I do not have a background very different to many of the others who send you their screenplay.”  Aside from the grammatical problems it doesn’t sound professional.  What’s the point in telling a producer that you’re a novice?  If there any upside to that?  Act professional and you will be treated professionally.

You should check out my posts about Writing a screenplay logline and Writing a synopsis for your screenplay.

Good luck!

Read 'Query Letter Workshop: On Maggie' at http://www.SellingYourScreenplay.com.

Adam sent this query letter and asked me to critique it.

Dear include name here,

My writing partner and I have recently completed a script, ON MAGGIE, which is a good fit for your particular production company, and the projects that include name of production company here are known for.

ON MAGGIE is a bent, twisted, somewhat broad, but ultimately feel-good story of three life long friends who have grown up in a small town in the Midwest. ON MAGGIE is separate and distinct from other “road trip” films in that it does not go for the easy, predictable joke. The humor is based on interesting, sometimes even eccentric, characters that develop and evolve as the screenplay’s plot progresses.

ON MAGGIE revolves around a contest between three friends in their early twenties. The winner gets to spend a night with Maggie, the high school “It” girl who now finds herself tending bar at the local watering hole. Maggie, out of boredom as much as anything else, agrees to be the “prize”. The winner of the contest is the one who completes all five items on his “to do” list. Some of these items include: being in a threesome, attending a Jimmy Kimmel taping, and going to Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

I would be happy to send you a copy of ON MAGGIE, and answer any questions about the screenplay or its writers. Thank you.

I like the fact that it’s short and succinct. Whether a producer likes it or not that will be appreciated. They managed to squeeze in a basic logline and a short synopsis all onto less than half a page. I’ve had several people ask me what they should say in their query letter when they have no writing experience. This is a perfect example of what to do. You simply write about your story and don’t mention any experience at all like they have done here. While it’s clear they don’t have any produced credits they don’t bring attention to it either.

I’m not crazy about the opening sentence. As a rule I don’t think you should really worry about submitting to companies that do particular types of films (within reason). If the company has done feature drama and you have a feature comedy it’s probably okay to submit to them, but it means that the first sentence isn’t exactly correct. Use common sense when trying to decide if you should submit to a particular production company or not but err on the side of reckless.

If I were them I would open the letter with something like this:

“My writing partner and I have recently completed a feature length comedy script, ON MAGGIE, which we would like to submit to you for your consideration.”

In the second paragraph I would remove this sentence: “ON MAGGIE is separate and distinct from other “road trip” films in that it does not go for the easy, predictable joke. The humor is based on interesting, sometimes even eccentric, characters that develop and evolve as the screenplay’s plot progresses.”

Try to show the reader why it’s different instead of just telling them that it is. Is there any way to give a clear example of why this story is different from other road movies?

I also think they could add a sentence comparing their script with two well known films. Something like, “On Maggie is The Hangover with heart, a grown-up Stand By Me.”

I would move the second paragraph down so that it’s the third paragraph and then the synopsis / logline is the second paragraph. The synopsis paragraph (which opens with “ON MAGGIE revolves around a contest between…”) is so short that it’s almost just a logline and I feel like the basic story information in this paragraph needs to get out quickly to try and hook the reader. The second paragraph (which opens with “ON MAGGIE is a bent, twisted, somewhat broad…”) ties things together and wraps it up.

I think the synopsis paragraph could be tightened up a bit. I’m not sure “attending a Jimmy Kimmel taping” is very compelling. For someone who lives in L.A. (like myself) this is pretty ho-hum. Why is attending a taping of Jimmy Kimmel so important? It certainly isn’t hard to do. If there is something more to it (which I hope for the sake of the script there is) it should be explained a bit more to interest the reader.

Since I haven’t read the script I have no idea what the story is about or what actually happens but here’s an idea to illustrate my point:

“To win the bet they must have a threesome on the set of a Jimmy Kimmel taping and go to Mardi Gras and get arrested 10 times in one night.”

If you haven’t read my full post about writing screenplay query letters you definitely should. In addition my post on writing loglines for your script might also be of help.

What do you think of the query letter? Feel free to offer your own opinion in the comments section.

Read 'Logline Workshop: Keelah Smith and the Army of the Night' at http://www.SellingYourScreenplay.com.

Luciana recently emailed me this logline and I thought it was a good one to share.

Title: Keelah Smith and the Army of the Night

Logline: New York teen Keelah Smith just wants to mourn her recently-deceased dad, ace her SATs and get into Princeton, but discovers that an army in the world of night, bent on destroying humanity, needs her attention first.  A black “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” meets “Blade Runner.”

I think this is a very solid logline.  You get a ton of information with very few words.  Before I read the Buffy sentence I already had an understanding of the tone and was already thinking about Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

Blending Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Blade Runner works well.  They’re very different in a lot of ways but there are also some striking similarities.  They are both iconic, have strong cult followings, and existed in their own vivid reality.  Hopefully her script follows that tradition.  From the logline it sounds like it might.

The twist of the script, or course, is the fact that it’s a black teenager.  While I think this is a good unique element I feel like she might have diluted it a bit by making her problems very non-descript.  Wanting to “ace her SATs and get into Princeton” are very normal non-ethnic problems.  It might be nice if her being black somehow affected the story and her goals.  If she’s a normal American teenager and could be any race it’s not too much of a twist that she’s black.  I’m not talking about gross stereotypes (hopefully).  Having never been a black teenage girl I’m having a hard time even thinking of even a bad idea as an example.  A movie like My Big Fat Greek Wedding really used the Greek aspect to great effect.  Maybe there’s a way that Luciana could use the black teenager aspect of the story a little bit more.

It also might be nice to explain a bit about the “army in the world of night.”  Vampires and werewolves are well known creatures and need no explanation but this is something new, which is good, but it also must be explained a bit more.  Something like this:

“…but discovers that an army in the world of night, an alien race of grossly disfigured humanoids bent on destroying humanity, needs her attention first.”

Having not read the script or even a synopsis I have no idea what Luciana’s “army in the world of night” is but hopefully it’s clear what I’m getting at.  What is this “army in the world of night” all about?

As always, if you have any suggestions, comments, or questions about the logline feel free to leave them in the comments section below.

Read 'Logline Workshop: The Salt Bath' at http://www.SellingYourScreenplay.com.

Kenneth sent in this logline:

THE SALT BATH is a noir thriller in which prodigal son Dexter Grey returns to Salt Lake City and reunites with his high school sweetheart Julie Manning to solve his parents’ murders, plunging the duo into their families’ twisted histories of polygamy and violence.

Think BLUE VELVET meets BIG LOVE.

I sent him back these comments:

Kenneth;

You’ve done a good job with your logline.  Three things I noticed quickly.

The one thing that might be nice to add is to include who the protagonist is.  While the central conflict is clear – solving their parent’s murder – it’s not clear who’s standing in the way trying to prevent it.

While it might be important to the story, the stuff about his high school sweetheart seems like it could be left out of the logline as it doesn’t really add anything in terms of the conflict or story – unless of course she’s the protagonist, but then you’d need to somehow clue us in that that is the case.

I’m also not sure Dexter Gray’s returning to Salt Lake City is necessary for the logline – that part of the story doesn’t seem to go anywhere in the context of a simple logline.

THE SALT BATH is a noir thriller in which prodigal son Dexter Grey returns to Salt Lake City and reunites with his high school sweetheart Julie Manning to solve his parents’ murders, plunging the duo into their families’ twisted histories of polygamy and violence.

I went and put the stuff I like in blue and the stuff that I think you could remove in red (roughly) and then you could add a few words about who the protagonist is and set up the main conflict.

Ashley

Kenneth sent me this email back:

Ashley:

Thanks for the help — I can always use extra eyes.  I’ve revised my logline — I hope it’s not too spare now, but I think I’ve got the protagonist + antagonist + goal all in there now.

THE SALT BATH is a noir thriller pitting prodigal son Dexter Grey against a clan of sadistic polygamists as he tries to solve his parents’ murders.

Let me know if you think if I’ve lost something in the rewrite.

And feel free to post any or all of this!

best,

Kenneth

I think his revised logline is better.  It’s shorter and actually tells more of the story.

Also, one thing I forgot to mention to Kenneth is that I really liked his “Think BLUE VELVET meets BIG LOVE.”  I think this is an interesting pairing of two popular movies / television shoes and quickly conveys a lot of information.

What do you think?  Help Kenneth improve his logline by leaving comments below.

If you haven’t read my post Writing A Screenplay Logline have a look at it as I explain in detail how to write a good logline for your screenplay.

Read 'Screenplay Synopsis Critique: Hollywood House' at http://www.SellingYourScreenplay.com.

Reader Mike James sent in a synopsis and asked me what I thought of it.  I thought it was a good chance to actually put some of the ideas I’m trying to teach to work so below you will find Mike’s synopsis and my criticism of it.  Keep in mind as with any writing my opinion is just that – my opinion.  Writing is very subjective so you don’t have to agree with my comments.  I might be completely off base.  I also encourage you to post your own comments so Mike can improve his synopsis and others can learn from your ideas.  Constructive criticism only, non-constructive comments will not be posted.

If you’re wondering about the basics of how to write a synopsis please have look at my post: Writing a synopsis for your screenplay.

Mike sent this as a MS Word attachment and when I opened it at first glance it looked pretty good – meaning without reading a single word it looked like a screenplay synopsis.  It was slightly less than one page long (and in a normal font size) and the paragraphs were pretty short and broken up nicely.  This may sound like a strange comment but trust me, producers read hundreds of these per year and making a good first impression is essential.  If you cram a two page synopsis onto one page in a small font with long paragraphs and no breaks you’re dooming your synopsis before the producer has read one word.  You don’t want to over whelm the person reading your synopsis.  A page with lots of writing on it and little white space is exhausting to look at.  Remember, all you’re trying to do with this synopsis is entice people to request the full script so you don’t have to give everything away.  Just briefly describe your story in enough detail as to give people a feel for the story, characters, and tone.

After reading the synopsis it’s clear that Mike has a story with a beginning, middle, and end and I get a sense of the characters and tone of the story – all very important things to do with your synopsis.

The biggest criticism I have is that I think the whole thing seems too ordinary and bland.  I don’t see what’s so special about this story or his high school experience that would merit making a movie about it.

The good news is that I think he can fix it.  When I write my own synopses I like to just get the story down in the basic beats and then go back and try and jazz it up.  Because he’s done a good job with the basics (structure, characters, and tone) I think he’ll be able to make this synopsis work with a little rewriting.  He’s got to make the story more interesting.

The first sentence is this:

“HOLLYWOOD HOUSE” is a coming of age “dramedy” that takes place in the late 1970’s during disco’s heyday.

What about changing it to something like this:

“HOLLYWOOD HOUSE” is a coming of age “dramedy” that takes place in the late 1970’s during the birth of rap music.

Unless you’re writing a Will Ferrell comedy I would leave disco alone.  Rap is cool today disco is a past musical dead end and I don’t think you’re going to sell a script that’s about trying to rekindle disco music – especially when your story really sounds more about the birth of rap than the death of disco.

In the second sentence he says this:

The story is a semi-autobiographical account, based on my high school experiences growing up on Long Island.

What’s so special about his high school experiences?  We all went to high school and we all have some fond memories but what’s so special about his high school experience on Long Island that it should be made into a movie?

What about changing that sentence to something like this:

The story is a semi-autobiographical account of my high school experiences growing up in the late 70’s in New York and being a part of the birth of rap music.

Maybe he went to school with some people who eventually became famous rappers and were at the forefront of the movement.  If so include that.  Rappers always have colorful names so try and use some of them as references – even if the reader has never heard of the specific rappers that Mike knew it will still add color and authenticity to the story.

What if the second sentence was something like this:

The story is a semi-autobiographical account of my own experiences growing up in the late 70’s and partying with the pioneers of rap music – guys like D.J. Pimp Daddy and M.C. Busta Brown.

All the rappers names are made up (I’m sure you can tell I’m a white boy from Maryland!) but the point is the same: adding some cool sounding names ads color and authenticity to the synopsis as well as giving the story an “insider” angle.  Which script would you rather read: a story about a kid in high school during the dying days of disco or a story about a kid who was involved with the guys that invented rap music?

I think this is a typo:

Keyon asks about Clay’s interest in a new form of music, rap.

I think it is Clay asking Kenyon about rap, right? Always clean up typos.  Anyone can clean up typos if they care enough to spend the time doing it.  Make sure you care enough.

The middle 6 paragraphs tell the story (which is good) but without much pizzazz.  Each sentence just needs to be jazzed up.

For instance, the third paragraph has this sentence:

Keyon invites Clay to a high school dance and introduces him to three of Keyon’s friends.

High school dances aren’t the coolest thing in the world.  What if Kenyon took Clay to an underground party where Clay hears rap music for the first time?  I realize that I might be actually altering the script but I think part of the use of your synopsis might also be to find the weak parts of your story.  A high school dance gives me the impression of a boring 1950’s movie.  It’s not anything I care to see.  But an underground party in the late 70’s with some of the pioneers of the rap music… now that’s something we’d all like to experience!

I think some additional short character descriptions would also do a lot to add color and texture to the synopsis.  What’s unique about Kenyon’s friends?  What dose Angela look like?  Again, make it sexier – is she the cute girl next door type or is she the hottest girl in high school?

I like the first sentence of the final paragraph:

 ”HOLLYWOOD HOUSE” is one of those Spike Lee-type comedy/dramas that harkens back to the early days of disco, rap & hip-hop.

It does a lot to tie things together and tells the reader exactly what type of story this is.  Although I would remove the disco reference!

However, the themes that are mentioned in the next sentence (racism, peer pressure, and love) don’t seem original enough.  “Peer pressure” is too trite, “racism” seems a bit over used these days and “love” was old when Shakespeare was writing.  I think he could find more original themes or at least make the ones he has seem a little fresher.

Here’s the sentence from the final paragraph:

Racism, peer pressure, and love are just many of the topics the film covers.

Maybe this would work better:

Growing up in a racially charged world, teenagers trying to find their place and high school love are some of the themes the film covers.

The final sentence just seems sloppy:

The story will resonate with those who’ve experienced the highs, lows and in-between of being in high school.

What exactly does that mean?  Does it mean the script will resonate with every single person in the world since pretty much everyone has experienced some highs, lows and in-betweens while in high school?

I think something a little more specific would work better:

The story will resonate with anyone who had a dream in high school and made a naive attempt to make it happen.

I’m not into high concept stories so the fact that this story doesn’t have one doesn’t bother me.  But what that means is that for this to be a good script it’s got to be well executed and right now I’m not sure that this synopsis convinces me that it is.  The synopsis as is seems very plain and I’m guessing the script probably is too, at least that’s my impression.  It reminds me of the film Koolie High – which was a great film although probably not one that a studio would make today – so I think a sentimental story about high school kids that pulls at the heart strings could work, especially against the backdrop of the last 70’s and the birth of rap music.

I don’t want Mike to get too down on himself because of my (and other’s criticism) so I want to make one last point.  Years ago I read scripts for an agent who would look at virtually any submission that was sent to him (or should I say I would look at them for him!).  I would say 97% of them were such a mess that they were literally un-filmable.  They were incoherent messes and made no sense.  Because he was able to clearly tell a story I would say this script is probably in that final 3%.  He just needs to get it over the hump and into that final 1% before he starts sending it out.

What do you think of the synopsis?