Here is a logline I am working on for my first screenplay:

Based on true events, a young woman is widowed when the love of her life (or soulmate) dies of AIDS and her world is shattered. Realizing she’s on a self-destructive path, the bitter woman struggles to find herself and her passion for life again.

Thanks.

I would try to allude to the twist without giving it away. I agree with you that it’s a tough balance. Certainly in your synopsis you should explain that there is a twist without giving it away. Make the producer read the script to find out what the twist ending is.

But in the logline that’s going to be harder to do. Perhaps you write you logline and include a second sentence like I explained above where tell people you have a twist. For example:

“[Your Script Title Here] is like Patriot Games meets The Sixth Sense with an even more explosive twist ending.”

A quiet and studious young lady, ‘Tanya’ causes very little difficulty for her parents. Responsible and well grounded, she maintains modest goals. Possessing a sparse romantic history, she is quite pleased when she meets a man named ‘Nick’ through a mutual friend. Before long the pair begin dating and find each other highly attractive. Believing that her new love embodies many of the traits she so highly values, Tanya agrees to cohabitate with Nick. unfortunately, she finds herself pregnant and soon discovers that who she thought was the love of her life has been far less than forthright. To her great dismay, this revelation begins a downward spiral from which her very existence is threatened.

This book has it all. Romance, love, sex and violence. Once you start to read this book you will find it hard to put down ‘Nick Twisted Minds’ Is an intriguing story of original fiction which focuses on the extraordinary lives and exploits of the main characters.

Composed in a captivating narrative and impelling dialogue, the text flows at a brisk tempo. The plot contains more than a few strategically placed, unexpected twists that will maintain the readers interest throughout.

The thing is, the mercenaries (protagonists), were hired because of their military expertise in the first place, so their ruthless capabilities are a forgone conclusion.

The story follows a line of betrayal for which the mercenaries are ultimately blamed. A variety of gangs are called in to hunt them down, among which is a vicious N. Orleans voodoo gang, and my supporting characters wife and child are taken hostage in an attempt to lure them into a closing net.

The line of betrayal encompasses primary and secondary elements:

The primary being the betrayal of the arms deal gone wrong for which the mercenaries are blamed.

The secondary being the ultimate betrayal of a long time, well connected friend who supplies the information that leads to the capture of my supporting characters wife and child; thus leading to the deadly snare and the death of the supporting character (the protagonists closest friend).

The protagonist executes vengeance upon all responsible parties, after which his own responsibilities are soon magnified when he realizes that he’s to become the sole carer of his best friend’s daughter — now the protagonist is confronted with facing his own demons and living a life of normality, something which may be beyond his ruthless capabilities.

(Not just a chase as it turns out!)

I’m thinking, I’ll try again soon!
I’m having major problems with this logline for many reasons as you can see…

Thanks again for the feedback!
Jay.

What’s the hook? What’s the twist? Might be better if…

“A vicious, Las Vegas crime lord hunts down mercinaries who blew a million-dollar arms deal, but the stakes get high when the hired hands turn out to be ex-special forces.”

Or something like that. I’m not sure who your protagonist is, though.

@Ashley

You’re right about Thelma and Louise (the characters). I got a little stereotypical in my haste to summarize.

I’m undecided on this; what do you think – does the logline have to match the script? Once they read the rich characters, they can forget about how they were characterized in the logline. After all, the logline is just there to hook ‘em, right?

“The Ghosts of Vengeance”

The heat is on, when a high stake arms deal goes disastrously wrong, and a vicious Las Vegas crime lord calls in multiple gangs to hunt down two ex special forces hired hands.

I like the logline. But you’re using too many comparisons in this sentence: “JEFFREY MORGAN” can be described as “Rain Man” meets “American Pie” meets “Jerry Maguire” meets “Boomerang”. Trim it down to two films that are somewhat different as to shine some new light on your script. I think “Rain Man” meets “American Pie” works as it gives the idea that it’s a comedic version of “Rain Main” which is pretty fresh.