Read 'Logline Workshop: The Salt Bath' at http://www.SellingYourScreenplay.com.

Kenneth sent in this logline:

THE SALT BATH is a noir thriller in which prodigal son Dexter Grey returns to Salt Lake City and reunites with his high school sweetheart Julie Manning to solve his parents’ murders, plunging the duo into their families’ twisted histories of polygamy and violence.

Think BLUE VELVET meets BIG LOVE.

I sent him back these comments:

Kenneth;

You’ve done a good job with your logline.  Three things I noticed quickly.

The one thing that might be nice to add is to include who the protagonist is.  While the central conflict is clear – solving their parent’s murder – it’s not clear who’s standing in the way trying to prevent it.

While it might be important to the story, the stuff about his high school sweetheart seems like it could be left out of the logline as it doesn’t really add anything in terms of the conflict or story – unless of course she’s the protagonist, but then you’d need to somehow clue us in that that is the case.

I’m also not sure Dexter Gray’s returning to Salt Lake City is necessary for the logline – that part of the story doesn’t seem to go anywhere in the context of a simple logline.

THE SALT BATH is a noir thriller in which prodigal son Dexter Grey returns to Salt Lake City and reunites with his high school sweetheart Julie Manning to solve his parents’ murders, plunging the duo into their families’ twisted histories of polygamy and violence.

I went and put the stuff I like in blue and the stuff that I think you could remove in red (roughly) and then you could add a few words about who the protagonist is and set up the main conflict.

Ashley

Kenneth sent me this email back:

Ashley:

Thanks for the help — I can always use extra eyes.  I’ve revised my logline — I hope it’s not too spare now, but I think I’ve got the protagonist + antagonist + goal all in there now.

THE SALT BATH is a noir thriller pitting prodigal son Dexter Grey against a clan of sadistic polygamists as he tries to solve his parents’ murders.

Let me know if you think if I’ve lost something in the rewrite.

And feel free to post any or all of this!

best,

Kenneth

I think his revised logline is better.  It’s shorter and actually tells more of the story.

Also, one thing I forgot to mention to Kenneth is that I really liked his “Think BLUE VELVET meets BIG LOVE.”  I think this is an interesting pairing of two popular movies / television shoes and quickly conveys a lot of information.

What do you think?  Help Kenneth improve his logline by leaving comments below.

If you haven’t read my post Writing A Screenplay Logline have a look at it as I explain in detail how to write a good logline for your screenplay.